As I transition from know-it-all adulthood to not-so-sure-about-anything middle age, I am realizing that every breath I take is a new beginning and every exhale is an ending. The world is full of potential, a hot bed of chaos just waiting for my application of order and sanity.
Right now I hold my breath as I fight for a moment of clarity in a world of potentials that collapse in the blink of an eye. The responsibility is monumental. Who am I to impose my idea of order? Who am I to allow chaos to reign? I know N.O.T.H.I.N.G.
I am paralyzed at times by the fear that I must continue to breathe or die. Each breath changes the worlds of any number of subatomic particles. Not breathing does the same. The macrocosm is similarly affected though not in such a noticeable fashion. Lesson: I am responsible if I do and responsible if I don’t.
The symbol of chaos.
I have reached that level of understanding that could make or break me. At least I think that’s what’s happening. It’s this tension inside, a rubber band stretched tight, and I don’t know if I will snap, bind some serviceable dogma, or soar in flight from the hands that hold me. I’m afraid to choose because I want all three.
If I snap, I will become a raving lunatic or a mellow mystic. If I bind, then others will ridicule or follow me. If I soar, I have no idea where I’ll land and I will be alone. Eventually, I will choose whether by chance or design. Meanwhile, I choose what I wear, the food I eat, and make a host of other seemingly mundane decisions. These decision don’t frighten me, unless I find out that the fate of the known universe depends on my selecting the right shoes for my outfit. If that’s the case, be a dear and keep that knowledge to yourself.
I’m not complaining. The whole thing is exciting in a mad-cap adventure sort of way. I have realized that all the crap I’ve experienced, that I experience now, is due to the choices of not only me but everyone else around me. All the joys, too, are the result of choices – to breathe or not to breathe? Right now, breathing sounds about right.