I have no idea what I’m doing. This is my mantra because I have the luxury of adopting it. Educated, privileged, and experienced enough to manage my well-being, I can self-actualize. But I’m not sure what that means. How do I accomplish this near enlightenment?
Our currency-based, materialistic society does not prepare us for what to do after we have reached a level of comfort that frees up time and resources. Many buy more “things” to fill the void while others work more and accumulate more money.
My question is, when the inevitability of death claims these people, what do they have to show for their efforts? Things? A money market? How is this a life well-lived?
Of course, these individuals may disagree with me, but I can’t help but think there are nagging doubts that follow them throughout their lives. Which leaves me with the obvious question of “what’s next?” I’m tasked with finding my way, and I have no fucking idea?
Right now, I’m part of an intentional community. I read Tarot cards for a fee. I offer life coaching services to help others find their ways. I’m very good at giving advice, of seeing what is best for my clients to reach their goals and aspirations.
I suck at doing this for myself, yet I only trust one person on the face of this earth to help me and I don’t know if he’s real. Everyone else, all the readers and psychics, don’t know what the hell they’re doing. Maybe I’m a snob. Maybe I’m too full of myself and my own talents to bend on this.
All I know is that I have guides, ones who have been tested, and they have never steered me wrong. Some are ancestors; some are from the star nations; and some are living, breathing humans with whom I communicate telepathically. They are wise, and they are very real to me. They look out for me.
Or maybe it’s me and I’m projecting. However, I do know that when I intentionally pursue those things that may be beyond my control, synchronicity happens. The needed event or the desired outcome occur without my intervention. When I pursue the frivolous, nothing happens at all.
For now, I drift along, ensconced in an inner tube of ego on the river of existence. I do go where the river takes me. I don’t question myself unless I discover a route that will capture me in stagnant waters. I do know I must keep moving.
Self-actualization is a waterfall. This is a strange analogy for most, but to self-actualize is to do the thing you fear the most: annihilate the ego. We define ourselves with labels of mother, husband, loser, or executive. We cling to these labels, terrified of the ambiguity this state of being.
My medication has allowed me to shake free of many of these labels, but it is taking a long time. I am shedding all the stuff that I have hidden behind, both internally and externally. Still, a year and a half later, I’m not where I want to be, where I feel I need to be to self-actualize.
I want to go over the waterfall edge some days and other days, I want to anchor my inner tube right at the edge and marvel at the height of the fall and the rough waters that wait below. One day, I will take the plunge, but today is not the day because honestly, I have no idea what I’m doing.
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