Right now, I am in the throes of that irritable anxiety that makes it impossible to do much of anything. This is the reality of Bipolar II. This is what I have managed to overcome until lately.
The irritable anxiety is the worst part for me. I don’t want to do anything. I’m pushing myself to write this. The only thing that breaks my heart is that I’ve finally discovered why I’ve relapsed on a weekly basis.
Going into the office.
I go in every Monday and have watched my mental health deteriorate. It gets worse as time goes on. I get intensely anxious and when I arrive, I am intensely irritable. Panic attacks skirt the edges of my awareness.
I am exhausted, emotional, and unable to rein in the symptoms like I can out in the field, or in my personal life. This happens on Monday and bleeds into Tuesday. The relapses take away from my sales work.
I can’t spend my entire Tuesday thinking, “I want to die,” just because I went into the office the day before.
I used to love my job and the company even if there were problems. They offer a product that is meaningful and brings relief to those in need. I invested my talents into this company for 16 years (!) only to have our entire office, my work family, become disposable.
Those who remain and those who left, have confirmed my viewpoint. I am not alone in this. I am not overreacting. The place makes us physically ill and, in my case, assaults me with Bipolar symptoms.
I don’t want to go into the office anymore. I want to close sales, despite the crappy leads I’ve been given. I want to bring the company’s products to the people who need them. I don’t want to sacrifice my mental and emotional health to do so.
Something’s got to give. I can’t spend my entire Tuesday thinking, “I want to die,” just because I went into the office the day before. It’s time to get out of the pool.
I’m tired of drowning.
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