I think most Americans who look for the perfect partner are crazier than loons. Perfection at this level of manifestation, at any level of manifestation, is an unobtainable ideal. I’m single for a very good reason.
First, I define a romantic relationship as two people who have agreed to spend time and effort on creating a home together. It should be a nourishing experience and all relationships are borne of these needs between people. Including the dynamic between a narcissist and an empath.
We all want a place to call home, but it isn’t the four walls of a domicile that make a home. What makes a home is people: family, friends, and for many, that one special partner. That person upon which many hopes, and dreams, are pinned. Unrealistic expectations.
Second, my definition of partner is the person with whom you’ve made this contractual agreement. Much of this agreement is based on assumptions and implicit beliefs. Which is why everyone is confused.
Every interaction is a transaction with the ultimate goal to meet the needs of the persons involved. We can also apply this to poly relationships, which require an explicit agreement between all parties to succeed.
Unrealistic expectations are the demise of any relationship. A refusal to discuss implicit beliefs about relationships sets the stage for this demise and a roller coaster of messy heartbreak. Some people will carry on beyond this phase and come to an agreement, a commitment to work on something so imperfect and challenging.
Our relationships aren’t working. Plain and simple.
Divorce is almost inevitable for a married couple in the United States. The psychologists would have us believe that only fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. They gloss over the constraints of the trials, which measures the three years between marriage and divorce. Another constraint is the observation of only heterosexual marriages.
But the divorce rate is much higher if you add in four to twelve more years. That would be a more accurate measurement, but it would also compromise the data because the sample needed is too large.
Not including the generations in which divorce was a scandal, I’d estimate the divorce rate at ninety-five percent of American marriages. This does not include all the myriad forms that a relationship can take. It only points to the demise of traditional marriage and the finagling of numbers to spin a much brighter scenario. This is not a tested figure so don’t quote me without that caveat.
Now the question becomes, how does a healthy relationship work?
Consent is about fifty percent of a healthy relationship. Consent is the agreement between two people that a transaction specific to romantic relationships can occur. This is not a blanket agreement. It doesn’t apply unconditionally because your partner agreed to having sex one time. Consent is an ongoing activity.
Making a home together requires consent between partners for more than just sex. It is about dishes and who cleans the toilet. It is about boundaries and common interests. It is about sex and emotions, too but the days and nights can’t be filled with non-stop fucking. Even men will plead a headache if a woman’s sex drive exceeds theirs. Been there, done that.
The other fifty percent of relationships starts with you. I don’t know how many times I’ve said this in previous posts, but I’ll repeat myself:
You come into the world as a being separate from everyone else. You are alone in the birth process and you are alone in the experience of your first breath. You are the only person you cannot escape. You are the only person who goes to bed with you every night.
You will die alone, and this will be an experience you cannot share with anyone else. Very few people appreciate this inevitability.
I watched my mother die bit-by-bit and I couldn’t share those moments with her. She said nothing about how she felt or what she faced. No one else could feel her pain. She did the one thing that scared her most: she died alone and in those final moments, she seemed relieved to let go.
We’re alone and for many, this is a situation that cannot be borne. And the only way to begin a healthy relationship with another is to embrace yourself. Develop a beautiful relationship with yourself. Take responsibility for yourself, for what you think, feel and do.
Embrace your imperfections. Love yourself as you are. Love yourself as you were. Love yourself as you will be. How can loneliness drive you into a relationship if you are your own best friend?
Raise yourself from a child to an adult because no one else can do this for you. Once you hit a certain age, you’re on your own. You can’t blame another for your trials and tribulations. There is only you.
Once you do this, you can love another imperfect human and embrace the totality of them, even if you can’t understand the whole kit-and-kaboodle. Hopefully, you’ll find another human ready to embark on this journey with you.
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